I am severely sleep deprived
I am writing this little note to you, whomever you are, while severely sleep deprived because Georgia has barely slept for the 5th night in a row. Last night while Georgia was howling at the moon from 1am-5am, I actually caught myself saying "why the hell do people even have kids?!" Whoops. This is shaping up to be a little dark...
I opened my laptop and started to write a thoughtful post about the joys of motherhood as I usually do and ended up deleting it and starting this instead. Georgia is playing her 'I want to eat but I'm going to cry every time you try to feed me' game that is making me nervous about whether or not she is eating enough. Scarlett is having a meltdown in her bedroom because I tried to help her put her pants on which is confusing because she asked me to do it, but not surprising. And then there's me; sitting here feeling guilty for be angry at my kids and wondering where I am even going with this post.
I love my kids and I love being a mother. If I could go back in time I would do it all over again the exact same way. There are days where I am the best mom ever and I am happy and energetic but there are also days where I imagine myself driving off into the night never to be seen again (this is metaphorical, please don't send me hate mail). In all seriousness I sometimes daydream about what my life would be like if I wasn't a mom.
The truth is being a parent is hard. You aren't just creating life, you are saying goodbye to your own. Yes, you get to have a new life filled with more love than you could possibly imagine but you also have to accept that you are now living your life for someone else and everything you do is for your kids. Most of the time I am perfectly okay with this but sometimes I teeter on the edge of an emotional breakdown. This is because I am always tired, always hungry, always questioning myself, and always feeling like what I'm doing isn't enough. I also feel extreme guilt when I am not enjoying every minute with my kids.
As mothers, we are expected to be constantly positive. Having children is nothing short of a blessing after all. When we complain we are hit with "don't wish the days away, you'll regret it when they're older". Yes that's so true but it is near impossible to not wish the day away sometimes. When my baby has been crying all day, my toddler is throwing her body on the ground because I won't let her put the cat food in her boots, I haven't slept or properly washed my hair in a week, and I smell like baby puke, and my house looks like it was hit by a tornado; you can bet your ass i'm not feeling the magic. I know that these days are beautiful and magical but they can also suck. There is a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.
So what's my point here? I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to not love motherhood all of the time but still be an amazing mother. It's okay to feel like you just want to be alone. It's okay to not enjoy it when you haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in a week. It's okay to want to crawl into bed and watch Mad Men instead of playing with your kids. Don't feel guilty for not feeling the magic every second of the day.
Thank you for reading my totally random and somewhat dark thought about motherhood <3.